Have you ever been stuck on a double-date with your girlfriend or wife and the other guy in the equation is a total dud?

This has happened to me far too many times in my life. There is nothing worse than starting a conversation at the dinner table like this:

Me: "So, are you into sports?"

Dud: "Not really, but I do like to go biking and hiking. And I always go to a Grey Cup party so I can watch the cool commercials and halftime show."

At that point, I may as well be sitting with a Parisian mime for the rest of the evening, because this isn't going anywhere.

Let's be honest, if a guy can't talk about sports, will we ever be friends? And more importantly, does he even have a purpose in life?

The answer, unfortunately, is a resounding no on both counts.

So I have spent the summer, devising a checklist for everything I'm looking for in a potential friend. From now on, only guys who meet the following criteria will be asked back for a second date. You see, beggars can be choosers - and here are the 10 Rules For Being My Friend:

Rule #1 - You cannot wear capris under any circumstances. I don't care if you post some Facebook pics from Italy and your girlfriend thought it would be cool to make you Euro-fashionable for a romantic weekend. Capri pants are unacceptable. Sorry Rafael Nadal - but we can never truly be friends.

Rule #2 - Meat lovers only. I know this is going to sound completely narrow-minded, but the thought of being invited to a vegan Super Bowl party is just downright scary.

Rule #3 - You must have participated in at least ONE of the following activities in your lifetime:

a) A serious game of foot hockey at recess
b) A video game tournament with money or roommate-related chores on the line
c) A prank in which another person's feelings were hurt

Rule #4 - You have contemplated ending a serious, long-term relationship because your significant other did not understand the importance of fantasy sports. Bonus marks if this pertains to a marriage.

Rule #5 - (Valid for Ontario residents only) At some point in your life, you have violently burst into a convenience store at 12:57pm on a Sunday - while wearing sweat pants and a ball cap - so you could make your Pro-Line picks just before the 1pm NFL kick-off.

Rule #6 - You must find at least ONE of the following things funny:

a) "I'm so excited…I'm so excited…I'm so...scared."
b) Celtics-Lakers footage from the 1980s with everyone wearing short-shorts
c) "When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University."
d) Any reference to Junior Felix

Rule #7 - You have seriously considered buying either a Bowflex or a Magic Bullet from an infomercial.

Rule # 8 - Years of playing video games have prepared you for the arrival of the text message/Blackberry era. We should never have to ever speak on the phone.

Rule # 9 - At some point in your life, you figured you would be retiring thanks to your sports card collection. If you are like me, you thought a handful of Ken Griffey Jr. rookie cards from Upper Deck (kept in hard plastic cases with screws) would be enough to put a down payment on a house.

Rule # 10 - If somebody asks you what sports you like, your answer may NOT contain any combination of the following:

a) Trampolining
b) Cross-country skiing
c) Volleyball
d) Hiking

So those are my 10 Golden Rules. Hopefully one of you readers out there makes the cut. Then we just have to trick my wife into a double-date with your significant other and we'll be all set.

(Author's note: I don't really care if your wife or girlfriend is a dud for my wife).



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